What Works For You?

I  began practicing Yoga when VHS was still a thing and I found my first tape at Target.(Thank you Target.) For almost as long, I dreamed of being part of a teacher training. Making it happen was A CHALLENGE. Some people are dreamers who run off after their dream at all costs. They fly after them like crazy and beautiful butterflies! Not me. I'm more like a firmly rooted tree reaching for dreams over time. I want to feel stable. I need to know for sure I can pay my bills. Even in my youth, dreams had to fit into my work schedule. This one was no different.

I worked as an assistant manager at a restaurant. Working long hours was part of the job.  Working Saturday and Sunday was also part of the job. Any trainings available at that time were hosted very far away from my Southeastern Minnesota home or on weekends. I didn't have enough vacation time, or the personal support for a three week retreat away from home. The cost of training was a concern too. Over time, my job demanded more focus and yoga training faded to a water color dream reserved for someday.

But things changed.  I decided to take a new route. I left the job I had held for nine years and found employment that afforded me much more personal time. I went from working fifty hours or more a week to working thirty-six hours, for a larger salary. I could have weekends off! It was a whole lifestyle change. I kept working weekends as a server, but now it was a choice. I could take off any weekend I wanted.

Almost immediately, my mind turned back to yoga teacher training. I researched every training in the area. For four years I looked. Dates never lined up. The catch with the new job was that four weeks of the year, I was out of town. The dates seemed to all conflict. But I don't give up easily! I kept looking.

Finally, in April of the fourth year, the dates lined up! I had been watching this program for several years and it seemed like a really good fit. I met with Heather, the lead trainer, in the commons area of the building that held her studio, a coffee shop, a used book store, and several other small shops. We chatted for a bit about the drive over, hers was about twenty minutes, mine around fifty. And then we began discussing the dates of the training. The weekends did line up... until January. My heart sank, I had thought there wasn't a weekend in January, it hadn't been on the list. She said as much and suggested the second weekend of the month. I started sweating even more than I already had been. I'm a nervous sweater. There was no way I could swing the second weekend of January. I took a breath and then explained that I would be states away for work. Heather listened as I explained. She paused before she spoke.

"Kandice," she said brightly, "What works for you?"
"What?" Was she asking me what dates work for me so she could schedule when I could be there?
"Well you've been trying to be part of this training for four years. Tell me what dates work for you."
"Umm... really?"
"Really." I must have looked as stunned as I felt. She smiled and nodded her head encouragingly.

I gave her the dates that worked for me, and she actually asked me if anything else conflicted. Nothing else did. I almost died with gratitude for her kindness. This woman had just casually and gracefully lifted the brick wall I thought I was about to slam into. I didn't want to start crying in front of her. I could feel the pre-cry lump rising in my throat. It was giant. I managed to hold it together and the lump diminished as Heather talked about the required reading. We got up to leave and she hugged me.
I walked out of the building and cried the entire fifty minute drive to my home. Rivers of tears. Not quite an ugly cry, but close. Only then did I understand how invested I had become in this dream. Having the path to it cleared was an incredibly emotional experience. I was feeling two very powerful emotions at once, fear and hope. They came out of my body in the form of tears and weird little sobs that whole trip home. For several days after, when I thought about what was happening, tears would leek from eyes. It wouldn't be an easy road. I had a lot going on. But Heather had completely removed the biggest obstacle for me. And I hadn't even asked.

Even now, as I write this, I’m feeling some pretty intense emotion. The tears are flowing. I have to get a tissue.

Completing my 200hr training changed my life in a lot of ways. It helped me reclaim the confidence that I had lost in a trauma I had experienced the year before. It also gave me a community of women that inspire me, and make me feel at home.
Somewhere along the way, in the not too distant past, I had all but completely lost the awe that I had once felt easily and often. It had slipped away subtly. I hardly noticed it leaving and when I did it was gone. My training reminded me how good I am at feeling awe and the joy that comes with following dreams. Beginning with Heather's "What works for you?', it reminded me again and again that people can be generous with their time and resources in a way that lifts others(even strangers) up.

Now, here I am. Traveling way further than I could have imagined down the road that was opened up for me that afternoon in April. I look forward to using my own resources to uplift others, and contribute to the sort of community I want be part of. A community whose members take care of themselves and others, and through their actions, regularly remind each other of the beauty of our world. Thanks for joining me!